I am a stay-at-home mom, and I have to admit – it is hard.
Let me first say that I love raising my son, and I feel very lucky that I get to watch him grow every day. I do think that I’m a good mom, but I could do better. Why? I have good days and bad days, just like everyone else, but lately I’ve had more bad days. I feel lazy. I go onto Pinterest and become exhausted by all of the great ideas of what to do with your kids. I used to get excited. My ideas begin with energy, and then fizzle out like air from a balloon before noon.
Lately I have been wondering why this is, and I have figured it out – I have basically lost myself. I cannot seem to remember who I wanted to be before being a mom. I cannot envision who I want to become, either. I’m stuck.
I started working at the age of 15, and pretty much never stopped until I quit my most recent job. I have discovered that a job gave me a sense of self-worth that I had never realized. I had my own bank account, and had the freedom to do whatever I wished with it. Now (even though my husband does NOT make me feel this way), I have lost that freedom. If I want to buy something for myself, I feel I have to ask for the OK. We shared our funds before, but since I contributed, I could peruse the JCrew sales without the guilt. A part of my independence has left the building.
This has moved me 10 miles away from myself
Before moving to NYC, I graduated from college with a BA in Theatre Arts. I wanted to become an actor. It didn’t happen, and that is totally and completely my fault. The reason I mention this is that I have always kicked myself for giving up. I’m angry with myself. I LOVE acting and the theatre, and yet I let it leave me.
10 more miles
After having my son, I suffered from postpartum depression. It is tough to say when it stopped. I will always have to deal with depression creeping in, but this hung on like a sloth, and just got bigger and bigger. When you have a gigantic sloth hanging onto you, it is tough to connect with your spouse in every way. Things are better, but to keep a connection flowing is really difficult, and I’ve been blaming myself. It makes me sad, and then the sloth returns. I tend to hide inside myself, when I should open up.
I have always had mental issues with my weight. When I was thin I thought I needed to lose weight. Now that I definitely need to lose weight, I dislike myself and hide when I should just get up and MOVE. I find excuses. I sometimes sound like my toddler, “Just go to the gym.” “Why?” “You’ll feel better” “Why?” “You’ll have energy!” “Why?” “You’ll be happy!” “Why?” “Good question. I’ll sit and eat chocolate cake.”
I am the cause of the miles I have traveled from myself. We are all a work in progress, but it is tough to work on something that is 40 miles away.
So I am going to begin a journey back to me.
I will be better for it. I will be a better mom for it. I will be a better wife for it. How can we be anything to anyone else if we no longer know ourselves?
I will be sharing the progress of my journey. If you need to begin your own journey, please join me! Support is the best motivator!
Let the road trip begin…