Tag Archives: postpartum depression

Walking Out of the Darkness


Mile 4

So I have finally finished House of Cards and The West Wing. I have had my fill of that oblong office, and will now get to work on this oblong body!

No more distractions. No more excuses.

A new driving force to workout is that I will be walking in the Out of the Darkness Overnight, to raise funds for suicide prevention and mental health awareness. I will be walking 16-18 miles through the night, and my goal is to raise $1500 (hopefully more!). I have never walked this far before, so I need to get my you-know-what in gear!

I have lost friends to suicide, and I know too many who have lost a loved one. Mental illness runs in my family, and as you know I have been dealing with my own boughts of depression.

Any support would be greatly appreciated. No donation is too small. Seriously, it isn’t! If you cannot donate, please just help by talking about suicide and mental health.

For more information, please visit my page here.

Help spread the word to bring suicide and depression out of the darkness. Thank you!


Self care = actually caring


Mile 2

When you are a parent, it is always important to try to remember to take care of yourself. Of course this means physically, emotionally, and the big one – hygienically. Yep, I said it. After giving birth and in the beginnings of taking care of a child, you forget when you took a shower, washed your hair, put on deodorant, wore a bra, and how many times you’ve worn the same shirt since washing it. Throw some postpartum depression and a child who doesn’t sleep for months into the mix, and you are seriously forgetting how to take care of your basic needs because another person’s needs have taken over.

Even though my son is almost three, I still find myself in my pajamas half the day, and actually feeling that I look good hasn’t happened in, well, almost three years. The realization that I need to be taking care of myself is there, but I have come to realize that I am missing something – actually caring! I don’t seem to care about how I look anymore, but I get bummed out when I feel gross and ugly. Make sense? Nooooooooo…

So how did this happen? See the first paragraph. Like all things, it has become a habit. To get out of a bad habit you just need to force yourself out of that habit, and to give yourself TIME to do so. Something else I have trouble with, but trying to change.

I don’t know about you, but I always try to do everything all at once and then crash and burn. So today I took a shower, put on deodorant, and then put lotion on my crazy, wintered Godzilla skin. That’s it. That’s all I did, and it felt good. Baby crawls! All I needed today was to stop looking like a scaly Ethan Hawke.

Goal accomplished!

A Journey Back to Me

from the blog www.stuckincustoms.com

I am a stay-at-home mom, and I have to admit – it is hard.

Let me first say that I love raising my son, and I feel very lucky that I get to watch him grow every day. I do think that I’m a good mom, but I could do better. Why? I have good days and bad days, just like everyone else, but lately I’ve had more bad days. I feel lazy. I go onto Pinterest and become exhausted by all of the great ideas of what to do with your kids. I used to get excited. My ideas begin with energy, and then fizzle out like air from a balloon before noon.

Lately I have been wondering why this is, and I have figured it out – I have basically lost myself. I cannot seem to remember who I wanted to be before being a mom. I cannot envision who I want to become, either. I’m stuck.

I started working at the age of 15, and pretty much never stopped until I quit my most recent job. I have discovered that a job gave me a sense of self-worth that I had never realized. I had my own bank account, and had the freedom to do whatever I wished with it. Now (even though my husband does NOT make me feel this way), I have lost that freedom. If I want to buy something for myself, I feel I have to ask for the OK. We shared our funds before, but since I contributed, I could peruse the JCrew sales without the guilt. A part of my independence has left the building.

This has moved me 10 miles away from myself

Before moving to NYC, I graduated from college with a BA in Theatre Arts. I wanted to become an actor. It didn’t happen, and that is totally and completely my fault. The reason I mention this is that I have always kicked myself for giving up. I’m angry with myself. I LOVE acting and the theatre, and yet I let it leave me.

10 more miles

After having my son, I suffered from postpartum depression. It is tough to say when it stopped. I will always have to deal with depression creeping in, but this hung on like a sloth, and just got bigger and bigger. When you have a gigantic sloth hanging onto you, it is tough to connect with your spouse in every way. Things are better, but to keep a connection flowing is really difficult, and I’ve been blaming myself. It makes me sad, and then the sloth returns. I tend to hide inside myself, when I should open up.

10 miles

I have always had mental issues with my weight. When I was thin I thought I needed to lose weight. Now that I definitely need to lose weight, I dislike myself and hide when I should just get up and MOVE. I find excuses. I sometimes sound like my toddler, “Just go to the gym.” “Why?” “You’ll feel better” “Why?” “You’ll have energy!” “Why?” “You’ll be happy!” “Why?” “Good question. I’ll sit and eat chocolate cake.”

10 miles 

I am the cause of the miles I have traveled from myself. We are all a work in progress, but it is tough to work on something that is 40 miles away.

So I am going to begin a journey back to me.

I will be better for it. I will be a better mom for it. I will be a better wife for it. How can we be anything to anyone else if we no longer know ourselves?

I will be sharing the progress of my journey. If you need to begin your own journey, please join me! Support is the best motivator!

Let the road trip begin…